Living in Malta:

Sixteen Things I've learned from

Cleaning the Trash on Manwel Dimech Street

I know the locals think I'm nuts. I don't blame them. I've lived on Manwel Dimech Street for over six weeks now. And after the first week, I decided to pick up the trash along the route from Manwel Dimech Street, past the police station, down past Wales Pharmacy (where my new doctor is), around Balluta Bay near the recycling bins, past the valley and up the hill past a school and a beautiful antique place. Then, down the hill again to Balluta Bay and onto Tower Road to Cara's. Then I go back again. I do this early--usually by 7 am or so--before I start work. It's one of my favorite routes in Sliema so far.

You know the route I'm talking about, right? I love it, but the trash bothers me. So I decided to pick it up along my way--and this is what I've learned:

1. The Maltese love bananas.

2. After several weeks, banana peels look like carob pods.

3. If you decide to bend over and pick up garbage in the streets of Malta, make sure you don't have a hole in your pants.

4. There are a lot of dogs in Malta. (I hope it's from dogs).

5. The Maltese have a varied taste in cigarettes.

6. I picked up 40 plastic bottles in a four-block stretch the first day I collected garbage. The locals like plastic bottles.

7. You know some of those vacant houses and shops? I saw some big mounds forming with plants growing wild on them. When I kicked under them, there were Cisk and water bottles beneath them. Maltese flora like Cisk and bottled water.

8. God is very forgiving. He's a lot more forgiving than I am. I get so upset when I see dog shit in front of a church. But God doesn't seem to mind.

9. It's not fun picking up garbage in the rain. Your back and butt get wet. And at my age, my butt can collect a lot or rainwater.

10. Not everything fits into recycle bins. By the way, someone needs to be buried by the bins near Wales Pharmacy.

11. Maltese men wear sexy underwear. I know because I picked up a pair (with gloved hand, of course) off of the street near the antique shop. I guess there must be a festa where the men take off their underwear in the street. Uh, when is that?

12. The Maltese people are very friendly. After a while, they started to ask me what I was doing--in Maltese. I was scared at first when they would speak to me because I thought they disapproved or thought I had a garbage fetish. But when we spoke English and I told them what I was doing--and why--they thanked me. One woman put out her cigarette butt and dropped in my garbage bag; it was the first time in her life that she didn't throw one into the street.

12. The Maltese can't believe that Americans pick up garbage in another country. They do--if it's their home.

13. The shop owners are nice, too. Today one man handed me an extra plastic bag from his shop to help keep my hand clean--the hand that does the picking up. (My pink plastic glove gets too hot and uncomfortable).

14. Some women at the bus stop near the police station (right in front of the Optical Shop) were concerned that I might be hurting my back by bending over so much. I explained that I actually do more squatting than bending. And that I've lost weight doing this. OK, that's a lie; I haven't lost weight.

15. I've met the guy named P who gets paid for picking up the trash around Balluta Bay. He speaks English very well.

16. The Maltese are very hopeless about the trash business. They say the people will never change. I tell them America thought it could never elect a black president. But someone said, "Yes, we can." And we did.

Can I ask you a favor? I'm going away for two weeks over Christmas and New Year's. I'm afraid that I'll have to start over when I come back to Manwel Dimech Street--that there will be be forty or more plastic bottles again along my favorite route. Is there someone who lives around here who will help me out while I'm away? Please get in touch and I'll give you the details.

And thanks for reading. Oh, by the way, have you heard about the study that links male impotence with the amount of litter in streets? The more the litter, the increased incidence of male impotence. Conclusion: Keep down the litter and keep everything else up.