Sandals and scandals

Steve and Eileen head off on holiday to Malta together, writes Tony Stewart in The Daily Mirror:

Should you ever wonder what becomes of the broken hearted, then Steve and Eileen have the answer. They buy air tickets for Malta on t’internet for 14 quid (plus taxes), and four hours later set off on an adventure that turns out to be a cross between a Carry On and Confessions Of film. But leave the country they must. For Eileen discovers on Monday that there’s only one thing worse than going out with a ‘married man’. And that’s finding out that Pat isn’t married at all but uses it as a ruse to satisfy a sex drive that has more unbridled power than the car Formula One’s Lewis Hamilton races. So she punches his lights out.

Meanwhile, Steve has to reluctantly accept that girlfriend Michelle may have dumped him. 'When her phone rings,' mum Liz tells him, ‘it says “doormat” on the screen. I know you liked ’er, but wise up. It’s pretty clear she doesn’t feel the same.’ Played by the superb Simon Gregson and the excellent Sue Cleaver, Steve and Eileen are well on their way to being soap’s best comedy couple. But landing in the sunshine of the Med on Wednesday doesn’t stop them bickering like an old married couple. ‘I’m too hot,’ Eileen complains as they tramp the streets looking for somewhere to stay. ‘Oh, and that’s my fault as well, is it?’ Steve snaps. ‘Yer in Malta in August – hello? I’m on holiday with Victor Meldrew here.’

This is a fun frolic in the sun, even if any chances of romance are compromised because they have to sleep in a double bed together in the only room available. That doesn’t stop Eileen flirting outrageously with tour rep Aidan, played by the cheeky chappie of British films, Robin Askwith. ‘Gettin’ the urge to nibble a Malteser, are we?’ Steve teases her. By Friday, they are both enjoying Sex On The Beach – although that’s just what they’re drinking – and Steve is smitten with a dusky young person called Shania, who he serenades at karaoke night...