What We Did on Our Holiday

A one-off drama filmed on location in Malta was broadcast last Sunday on ITV1. Caitlin Moran writes in the UK Times Online:

Meanwhile, over on ITV1, a one-off drama with Shane Richie’s first outing since EastEnders promised to explain What We Did on Our Holiday (Sunday, ITV1). The answer from Richie, it turned out, was: “Kill my Parkinson’s sufferer dad, played by Trigger from Only Fools and Horses, by floating him out to sea like a doomed Lilo.”

What We Did on Our Holiday was a curious tale, with some fairly inexplicable moral conclusions. In a nutshell, a cast who could do better — Richie, Trigger, Pauline Collins, the blonde chick from The Commitments — went off to a location that could do better — Malta — and tussled with some big subjects. Sex, parenthood, death; British men in Hawaiian shirts from Bhs. Trigger had knocked up some Maltese chick during his National Service and now, gradually fading with Parkinson’s, came to look for the Maltese son he never knew. His wife (Collins, classy as ever), son (Richie) and son’s wife (the bird from The Commitments) accompanied him on his quest.

The long-lost son, it turned out, was wealthy, considerate, charming and well-dressed. His Continental elementalism put Brit slob Richie into the shade. Richie was both terrified of committing to his wife — who wanted a baby — and looking after his ill father — who needed full-time care. The eloquent Maltese, on the other hand, made it quite clear that he could both knock up Richie’s wife and spoon-feed his dying dad, possibly both at the same time. The Maltese, we were assured, had a better set of priorities in life than his pasty, feckless half-brother. It all looked very poor for the modern values of British man.

But then, in the last ten minutes, a series of odd incidents occurred to reassure the average Brit-Lad that his values are, after all, the solid stuff that makes Britain great. First of all, the Maltese son turned out to be a conman, and ran off with all of Trigger’s life-savings. At this point, Richie’s character was redeemed by doing the following, in one, seven-minute-long sequence: making a model airplane with his dad, driving an MPV dangerously, punching his half-brother, and then drowning his dad in the sea.

Anyone watching — particularly those with experience of Parkinson’s in their family — might very well have ended the drama with their jaws dropped, staring at the television and whispering “Inform . . . and entertain” over and over again, in a flurry of confusion. For while only an idiot would use a primetime ITV1 drama as their sole source of moral steerage, primetime ITV1 dramas are also a mirror to the soul of the country. And this seemed proud to conclude that where Britain is at, right now, is playing Fatality Pooh Sticks with their ailing parents as the credits roll. Alfie Moon drowned Trigger. Extraordinary.